And I asked my buddy Hyperion to help me out here, so its a joint post. If you hate it, I am only half to blame
My friend Hyperion and I only agree on three things, but one of them is that SPORTS = AWESOME.
With the Super Bowl on Friday, we decided to do a joint venture, and rank the NFL teams by their Cognomen. (Their team names, for those of you in the Dover area.)
We ranked the teams by Conference, and worked separately from each other. We didn't know the other's picks, and it's interesting to see how similar we think and times, and how different, too!
My Picks are highlighted for my beloved NFC (with Hyperion's in parenthesis), and then we reverse it for the AFC.
Enjoy the lists, and Enjoy the Super Bowl!
NFL COGNOMEN - The Definitive Ranking(s)
(Hyperion - #16 - Redskins (Washington) - The Worst Cognomen in professional sports. Imagine a racial equivalent.)
(Hyperion - #15 Seahawks (Seattle) - What the hell is a Seahawk? They don't have the guts to just call them gulls.)
(Hyperion - #14 Cardinals (Arizona) - Hey, I've been a big supporter of Arizona throughout the playoffs, but cardinals are boring birds. Now if it were the super-priests, then we might have something.)
(Hyperion - #13 Packers (Green Bay) - I salute the hard-working meat packers of Wisconsin. I also salute plumbers and garbage-men. I don't want teams named after 'em.)
12. Dallas Cowboys-Of the men that are in the Mascot world, a wrangler can only beat a guy shipping boxes
(Hyperion - #12 Saints (New Orleans) - You could never take a saint to the Maxim Super Bowl party.)
(Hyperion - #11 Rams (St. Louis) - I can think of at least 25 different horned animals I like better.)
[EDITORS' NOTE: SPARKY DUCK AND HYPERION WANTED NOTHING TO DO WITH THE OFFENSIVE REDSKINS' LOGO, SO WE DECIDED ON THE BEST POLITICALLY-CORRECT SOLUTION]
(Hyperion - #10 49rs (San Francisco) - It's kind of cool how they were known for the Gold Rush, but do you think those guys ever bathed?)
(Hyperion - #9 Falcons (Atlanta) - This is a pretty sweet bird to represent you. They go 140 mph and have talons, baby!)
8. St Louis Rams-The horns would hurt, but its slow and its a relative of a goat
(Hyperion - #8 Eagles (Philadelphia) - About the only bird better than a falcon, and that's only because Eagles can carry off goats!)
7. Philadelphia Eagles-The symbol of the USA, giant birds. But they are birds
(Hyperion - #7 Cowboys (Dallas) - America's last civilized savage.)
6. Tampa Bay Buccaneers-The problem with them is that a Buccaneer is a pirate, and Johnny Depp was a pirate
(Hyperion - #6 Giants (New York) - They're big! What's not to love?)
(Hyperion - #5 Vikings (Minnesota) - They marauded, they pillaged, they made Columbus look like a pansy.)
(Hyperion - #4 Panthers (Carolina) - Is there anything sexier than a panther? At least in the killer-cat variety? I say no.)
3. Carolina Panthers-Quick, and muscular. But smaller then the rest that are left. I have an affinity for cats
(Hyperion - #3 Buccaneers (Tampa Bay) - Let us not forget they were pirates, and cold-hearted scoundrels at that. By the way, do you know how much it costs for pirates to get their lobes pierced? A buck an ear!)
(Hyperion - #2 Bears (Chicago) - If there was an animal Royal Rumble, this is who North America would send.)
and the number one NFC Cognomen is.....
(Hyperion - #1 Lions (Detroit) - They team has been terrible forever, and may always be terrible. But Lions are the King of the Jungle, baby! Hear them Roar!)
(Sparky Duck - 16. Cleveland Browns-Paul Brown, old, dead, but not a Mascot.)
[EDITORS' NOTE: SPARKY DUCK AND HYPERION AGREE THAT IF "BROWNS" REFERRED TO JOHN BROWN (ABOVE), THEN WE MIGHT HAVE SOMETHING]
#15 Patriots (New England) - Anyone who feels the need to tell you he's patriotic is either obnoxious or hiding something.
(Sparky Duck - 15. Houston Texans-I am sorry, I can not rank a human being higher then a bird, just because I see a Texan as a really fat guy.)
#14 Texans (Houston) - "Ooh, look at me! My team name is my state!" Get over yourself, Texas.
(Sparky Duck - 14. Baltimore Ravens-While I like Edgar Allen Poe, and the movie the birds scares the crap out of me, a bird that you can avoid by going inside is not scary.)
#13 Chargers (San Diego) - What are they? Lightning? Light-Brigaders? Shopaholics? Major points off for being too clever.
(Sparky Duck - 13. Pittsburgh Steelers-I maybe biased, but a guy in a union? Scary team, not a scary mascot.)
#12 Steelers (Pittsburgh) - Mad props to the good folks who bring us Steel. But I don't want you for a team name. That's just weird.
(Sparky Duck - 12. Indianapolis Colts-Though the same name as my high school, its a baby horse known for running, are you intimidated?)
(Sparky Duck - 11. Miami Dolphins-Ok they scare sharks, just not anyone else)
#10 Colts (Indianapolis) - Yeah, it's a horse, but it's just a baby! (Now, if it were a Colt Revolver....)
(Sparky Duck - 10. Denver Broncos-Look at my description of the Colts and then just make it older and if its Denver, probably colder.)
#9 Bills (Buffalo) - Buffalo Bill was surely a great man, but the joke of naming the team "in Buffalo" after him had to get old in like a week. I think the Buffalo Buffaloes would have been much better, and this gives me and excuse to tell you about the coolest grammatically correct sentence imaginable: "Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo."
(Sparky Duck - 9. Buffalo Bills-Ok its big and scary, but also slow as hell!)
#8 Ravens (Baltimore) - Ravens are smart, but mostly I like 'em because they get to hang out on the bust of Pallus ad torment poets.
(Sparky Duck - 8. Oakland Raiders-I maybe biased by the fans, but it looks like a pirate, a pirate does have some heft)
(Sparky Duck - 7. San Diego Chargers-This one was hard, its a natural phenomenon, but if it hits you, you are dead)
#6 Raiders (Oakland) - While not as specifically evil as a pirate or a Viking, they are still stealing stuff (by definition), and that's always good in my book.
(Sparky Duck - 6. Kansas City Chiefs-The real native Americans of the US, look what a Chief did to Custer.)
#5 Jaguars (Jacksonville) - Basically panthers that aren't black. Still menacing, and they make better purses! (Sparky Duck - 5. Tennessee Titans-Another tough call, since a regular Titan would not stand up to a giant wild cat, but some Titans were giants and defeated Greek Gods. Hence a Top 10 mention.)
#4 Chiefs (Kansas City) - Not sure I buy the Native Americans as Team Name thing. Some of them I hate. That said, if you were going to have one, Chiefs is the way to go. They're Indians = cool, and they're in charge! (Sparky Duck - 4. NY Jets-Look at a Jet, it is either filled with man made destruction, or huge as hell, not scary but have a 767 land on you.)
(Sparky Duck - 3. New England Patriots-Saved the USA, If not we would be watching Chelsea vs Salt Lake FC Sunday)
#2 Bengals (Cincinnati) - Okay, they may not be as cool as Siberians, but Bengals are still tigers, people! Let us NEVER forget that.
(Sparky Duck - 2. Cincinnati Bengals-There team sucked, but go to a zoo, look at a striped cat and see if you want to mess with it.)
and, the number one AFC Cognomen is.......
#1 Titans (Tennessee) - The Titans came before the gods. They were bigger than the gods. Oh, and lest we not forget.....this guy was a Titan.
(Sparky Duck - 1. Jacksonville Jaguars-Take the description of #2 and make them really really fast.)
Have a Great Weekend!
Sparky Duck/Hyperion = Harky Duperion!